I am currently happy with my relationship with my mother. Accepting her for who she is has been a large part of that. Moving out helped too. I think that she is probably closer to accepting me for myself now, although there are of course large parts of me I don’t let her see.

Mums FTW.

Went to see my doctor today. I was supposed to go a few weeks ago to check up on my medication, but didn’t.

He’s prescribed a further 50mg increase in my medication. He has also (making me feel like an 8 year old again) prescribed a bed time for me. No computer/TV after 10pm, and lights out by 10:30.

I went to see Ponyo tonight. I’m thinking I should buy the Studio Ghibli collection to watch when I’m depressed, but sometimes happy things make me sadder.

Did I say I’d write every day? I did. Crap.

Tonight I’m going to talk about alcohol. I’m a little bit drunk at the moment, so it seems quite an obvious topic.

Up until a year ago I could have called myself a very light drinker. I went out drinking very rarely, and I’d really limit myself sensibly in terms of what I drank.

Since then my alcohol consumption has increased out of sight. I’ve even started getting drunk on my own, something I once promised myself I’d never do. I still drink alone far less frequently than with others, but I live in a share house now; there’s always someone to have a drink with. I have always had a high tolerance for alcohol but that’s gone now too, thanks to my meds. So I’m a giggly, bouncy, falling-over mess after not very many drinks. No hangovers, either.

So where’s the negative? Well, I hate getting drunk to have a good time, or to feel comfortable in a social situation. It’s running away from the problem of my perceived social awkwardness. I also want people to get to know the real me, and I think personalities are masked by alcohol to a certain extent.

Alcohol also makes me reeeeally depressed when I come down from it. I quite often have suicidal thoughts these days, but alcohol seems to help sustain them for a very long time after I sober up. I think that may be something to do with the meds too, it’s not a problem I ever had before being on Pristiq, but this is the only medication that’s had any positive effect on my mood and I don’t want to stop it.

So yeah. Such good reasons not to drink, but faced with a beer or a bottle I make the same choice every time. How do I stop?

To anyone who doesn’t know (and if you follow me on Twitter, you must): I have depression. It’s something I’ve come to terms with over the last 18 months, and it’s been bloody hard.

Up until about 6 months ago I used to write about it fairly frequently on LiveJournal. I enjoy writing, and writing about depression in particular helps me to clarify my irrational thoughts. Pinning them down on paper also makes them easier to contradict when they are not true.

I have been having a particularly tough time of things recently, so I’m going to force myself to write again every day, most likely here on Tumblr. Even if it’s something small, one line, knowing that I’m connected with the world at large helps to keep me sane.

An emptiness

A cry, a laugh, a first kiss, a last kiss, joy, doubt, despair, art, love, rage, angst, hatred, a secret, a whisper

But mostly

Emptiness

I feel vulnerable and strange and unworthy and proud and useless and helpless and unloveable and freakish.

All at once, all the time.